


I See What You Mean

by madafred



Category: Carry On Series - Rainbow Rowell
Genre: M/M, Pre-Canon, Truth Spells, genuine bisexual awakening
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-22
Updated: 2020-09-22
Packaged: 2021-03-07 15:55:27
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,649
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26590252
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/madafred/pseuds/madafred
Summary: It's just a normal day at watford.Normal Baz pining, Normal Simon fucking things up.Not so normal way to confess.
Relationships: Tyrannus Basilton "Baz" Pitch/Simon Snow
Comments: 1
Kudos: 95





	I See What You Mean

**Author's Note:**

> I'm not sure if this has been done before, but i just thought it would be great if simon could see into Baz's head sometimes.

**Baz pov**

After a long day I like to calm down, take a stroll and stop by the catacombs to drain a few rats for the night. It may seem barbaric, but I always feel better afterwards. Getting just a tiny bit every night helps keep me stable.

It’s how I chase off the undesirable feelings that come along with being undead.

Like When I feel hungry- truly hungry- that is what scares me the most. More than killing rats in a dark cave, more than the thought of being alone forever, _literally- I might live forever_ , more than Simon inviting me to his Wedding with Wellbelove. 

The feeling of losing control terrifies me.

When I am _truly_ hungry, I lose a part of myself, the part that's human. I experienced it after my kidnapping by those god forsaken numpties. For the whole first day I was home I stayed in the woods feeding like some _beast._

The ghastly sight of myself in the mirror was terrifying, like a ghost or better yet - _a ghoul._

It is the unfortunate truth of my nature. One that I try my very best to avoid. But the feeling of hunger sweeping over me is quite the reminder, so i’ll do anything to get rid of it.

However my frequent visits to the catacombs did not go unnoticed. Simon does _so_ enjoy toying with my sanity- why not extend that to messing with my feeding time, brilliant idea.

Maybe one of these days I'll snap and take him out. He’d put up a fight I’m sure. We’d go at it till we were bleeding, then I'd spend my last moments sucking the blood straight from his lips.

  
  


Before I get to continue this train of thought, Snow comes barging in without a thought or care to whoever might be in here. But since the only person who’s supposed to be here is me, I can see why.

His face is red and puffy and he’s practically steaming. I know I should leave him alone when he gets like this but before I know it I've opened my mouth to taunt him.

“ Trouble in paradise Snow?” This is practically my go-to.

He and agatha wellbelove have been two peas in a pod since fifth year. It infuriates me to no end to see the two of them together. So for the past couple of years I've made it my mission to mess with Snow. I’d even gone as far as to flirt with her just to sabotage their relationship.

Simon turns around and gets ready to make a comeback before he pauses, and then gets really angry.

“ You- you! - ” he begins a long bluster that I can't be bothered to listen to, pointing his finger at me like it will help him get the words out.

I wait patiently in my seat, my hands in my lap. My calm demeanor infuriates him more.

When he finally catches the words in his throat he begins to yell “Stop meddling in _our_ business, and leave Agatha alone! I don't care if we’re broken up now!”   
he's swinging his arms as dramatically as his sword, like if he tries hard enough he might swipe me all the way over at my desk.

I'm surprised that Simon just came out and said it, I thought I'd be able to drag this little charade out further.

“ I- I knew you-“ but then he simmers down after pausing to do one of the ‘calming techniques’ Bunce was trying to teach him. He finally stops and turns around to face his bed again.

“Just leave me the hell alone, i'm not in the mood and you don’t want to mess with me today!”

After a decent amount of further bubbling he settles on this, and sits down on his bed. Pointedly trying not to look my way.

It's very off brand for him to give up this quickly. Obviously my subconscious couldn’t leave this well enough alone

“ y-you what Snow? Are you having a bit of trouble? Ever use your mouth for something other than eating?” Simon stomps his feet and turns around to yell at me.

It’s quite mean and I know it, I don't _really_ want to say stuff like this. I only started being rude to Simon because the families expected me to. Now, I just can’t seem to stop myself. It’s his fault really, he’s been making things extremely difficult for me lately-hanging with wellbelove, acting like a fabulous and destined couple. It made me sick to my stomach to see it. I'm always incredibly jealous.

His anger is reborn. If this were a comic or a cartoon there would be little puffs of smoke coming from his ears and his nose. I can’t help but chuckle a bit at the thought.

“ What have I ever done to you baz, why do you need to be so rude, leave me alone! I haven't stalked you, I haven't accused you of plotting, -I , for merlin’s sake! I haven't even been on your side of the room today! How can you possibly justify tormenting me!” 

He’s right of course.

“I don’t need a reason to torture you Snow, it’s simply what I do.”

I draw the words out, making it seem like I don’t really care about what I’m saying, but it hurts to see him like this. Why on _earth_ do I keep opening my mouth.

Simon can't seem to find anything to say , “ I- ...you- what-”, his face is less red, but both the anger and confusion are still there. Don’t you get it simon, even _I_ don’t know why I do it.

Because it's easier than being nice, than being your friend.

It’s easier than admitting the truth.

“ Cat got your tongue Snow?” 

He has calmed down completely by now, the anger is gone and all that's left is confusion. He’s finally facing me.

“ I speak just fine, Baz really you should-”

“ Oh yes, the _worst_ chosen one ever chosen is gonna give _me_ advice.” Stop it, _oh merlin_ \- why is it that everytime I want to apologize I say something worse.

“ Why are you so _weird,_ Baz. I _want_ to get along with you, why can’t we try that, huh?” he's looking at me and his voice is almost pleading at the end. However he is purposefully avoiding my eyes.

Simon,

Keep talking like that and I just might die. I don’t think my undead heart could take it. Friends? It would no doubt kill me. It would be torture to be that close to you.

I think if I ever looked into your eyes and saw that beautiful and kind smile you show to others up close- _directed at me-_ I'd just up and attack you. I wouldn't be able to stop myself.

I can only say out loud, “Get lost.” 

Simon, your eyes are such a boring shade of blue, why do I find myself being drawn into them.

"Baz look-” 

I turn to face the desk and begin pretending to do my work. He needs to leave and stop talking like this.

“ Baz! I’m trying to tell you-” I can hear him stepping closer

“ you were going to say nothing Snow, this conversation is over.” I really need to stop this, the two of us can't be friends, I'd never survive it.

“Come on baz!” he walks right over to me and grabs my shoulder, forcing me to turn around.

“What is up with you, you-” he probably says something heartfelt and kind- too kind for me, considering all i’ve ever done is aggravate him. But I'm no longer listening. He is so close now, so _fucking_ close now I almost cant believe he’s not trying to punch me.

His eyes, his face, the _freckles_ , his cute button nose, and-

“ Baz ,stop.” he finally looks me in the eyes.

Now _i'm_ the one who’s confused.

“ Stop what? I haven't said anything, Snow.”

He just gives me this look. Not angry but very annoyed, his eyes are locked on mine and his face is determined, almost like he’s about to go into battle.

... _Merlin he’s fit._

His face changes from surprise to a solid pink blush.

“ Baz, like I've been trying to tell you...” his hand is still on my shoulder and I can feel the warmth coming off him like it's seeping straight into my body.

He moves his hand off of me.

“I botched up _I see what you mean_ in class today” he says this with a sign, like this is supposed to explain everything.

“ What about it?” I really don’t know where he’s going with this? What does that mean? Is this why he and agatha broke up.

  
“ It means, I can see what you really mean baz, I can see your thoughts”

Oh

_Oh_

  
  


_Bollocks._

Please someone just set me alight right now, I mean I-

  
“Its ok Baz”

I can't…. He’s been able to read my thoughts this whole time. Did he see _everything_ I was thinking? Even the ‘beautiful smile’? The Obviously queer pining?

What is confusing me the most is this, why isn't Snow angry at me? Where is the straight man bravado? The uncomfortable freak out? I just called him adorable! And he knows! Snow, Your roommate has the hots for you.

_FUCK, STOP_

“You called me Simon before.” I can’t believe that _this_ is what he is focused on right now.

“ in your dreams, Snow.”

“ in your thoughts, Basil” he looks so smug after that. Like it was a nice quip.

Also, wow my name sounds _fantastic_ painted with his voice.

“ Thanks Baz” now he’s got a little smirk on his face, like he’s proud of something, moringa I just wanna kiss it off.

_DAMNIT_

“ You know Baz....you might have the right idea there” his pride is as lively as ever, and he sounds like he means trouble.

“ What are you on about Snow.” he has leaned in a bit so he’s closer to me now

‘I’d ask you if you meant it all, but I know it's true” his face is so close now, _really_ close. What a tease.

He has just about invaded all my personal space now, he is above me since I'm still in my desk chair. The height he has on me now is quite attractive.

“ Jesus Baz,” the flirty mood completely ruined by his change in tone,” are you always thinking about how fit I am? Was it wrong to be worried about the plotting and not this? ” it’s _almost_ just a joke.

“This is a terrible invasion of my privacy Snow” I say in an attempt to maintain some control. I cant believe that this is happening to me, I was just supposed to pine over him for a couple of years in silence, then die with this feeling inside me, most likely killed by his sword… the metal one.

  
  


“Baz,” he leans back so that we are standing a normal distance apart “I’m not going to kill you, certainly not now”

“Scared Snow?” I say, desperate to try to bring back some normalcy.  
“No, not of you” his smile- that beautiful smile that i’ve dreamed of seeing directed at me-returns “not anymore at least.”

“How unfortunate for you, because I'd still happily end you” I try to sneer while I say it, for effect. We both know I'm lying, so why do I even try.

  
  


“Baz.” his mood turns more serious. “ You were right, I did break up with agatha. Now that I've gone and messed up this spell, I can see what she really thinks. And unlike you-” he gets a little angry at me again and punches me on the shoulder, much lighter than I know he’s capable of, so I know he doesn't really mean it . “- i'm not as much of a tosser to be shitty to her on purpose.”

I rub the shoulder that he hit. I do feel sorry for what I did, but it’s not like I can change the past.

“ you’re a lot nicer in your head”

“ don’t get used to it”

“Maybe if the Baz that talks can act a bit more like the one that thinks, we can be friends”

Now I sneer at him and I don't need to try that hard at it, “ Really Snow, well at least there’s one of us that _can_ think, you certainly can’t if from that you got " I want to be your _friend_ " Are you dense?”

Seriously Snow, fuck off.

I get up to leave, because I know that pretending to work would be useless.

“Wait Baz!” and he grabs my arm, stopping me before I can walk any further. I turn my head to look at him.

“ Look…..” he seems nervous, the hand not on me is behind his head “ I can’t come out and say that I feel the exact same…” I sneer at him

“ but...”

And now this foolish idiot has gotten my hopes up.

“ I don’t want us to go back to what we were before, I meant it when I said we didn't have to fight”

“ and _I_ meant it when I said I couldn’t be your friend”

Honestly Snow, why do you think i’ve been such a prat to you, _because i'm evil?_ I turn again to leave.

“Uhhhh wait baz, come on- BAZ YOU’RE FIT!”

I turn around quick as lightning, what on earth did he just say.

“What are you on about Snow.”

Now he looks just frightful, he stops to gently tug on his hair, the way he does when he is faced with a particularly difficult question in class or on his homework.

“I- I mean, I don’t know Baz, I just- I can’t confess and say i'm secretly in love with you or anything, I mean I barely ever think about this stuff!”

“Ok..” I don't know what to do with this? Couldn’t he just say he’s not interested and leave me the hell alone.

“ Well that's the thing baz, I - well, maybe- in the light of things, I'm starting to realize that I can’t say I _haven't_ thought of you in _that way_ sometimes. I mean, merlin baz look at you! You’re Fit as-”

And now he’s ranting, but in a good way and I actually want to listen.

“- and like, I always thought, well everyone thinks this stuff, y’know! You have eyes, you see that there are fit guys _and_ fit girls. Its just natural.-”

Wow _ok._

“- and just seeing the way you think of me was making me go ‘wow that's gay’” he pauses and looks at me “ and there's nothing wrong with that” like a tosser. 

“- and now i'm starting to think ‘maybe these thoughts _im_ having are gay?’ and really-” he is almost excited to say this,“ -they are.” 

Ok I need to stop this “ Simon!” I walk back over to him and grab his arms so he stops moving so much.

“ Simon, what in the world are you getting at”

He looks exasperated by this point. 

“ What I'm trying to say is… I wouldn't be opposed to… in the future… if you become less of a prat to me… maybe…we could be something or at least try ?” he sounds unsure but ends on an almost hopeful note. 

“I mean I don’t even know how to be a good boyfriend so it might just be a waste of time or whatever” while he’s talking I can spot every one of his nervous ticks, the hand on his neck, the pulling at his shirt, crossing his arms.

“Simon…” my voice is light, I feel like I should pinch myself to see if it's real.

Simon Snow just said he would date me.

I settle on “ Well i'm never going to Buy you flowers, if that's what you’re hoping for” maybe scones.


End file.
